Tuesday, January 27, 2009
last last night
just last last night, i had one of those horrible dreams again. it was like a war field. between me and you. i was thrashing all tat i have been keeping inside of me out. throwing them out of my body, removing the poison that i have been accumulating within.
everyting felt so real. i was holding back my tears putting on the brave front just to save myself some face, some pride. i'm not an egoistic person but i have enuff being humiliated by you. i tried to let go but you carried on with your dirty tactics and i hae no other way but to retaliate.
i was fighting so hard in my dreams. and when i had finished my piece, i woke up, i broke down. i dun hate you becoz hating someone requires energy and i dun wan to hae a place for you in my heart. it doesnt mean i had forgiven you, all i want is you out of my life. you'd ruined a third of my life so far.
i didnt hae the choice to choose. i was borned into it. i m just unlucky to hae tis dehumanizing fucker in my life.
tat fucker who woke me up at 6.34am on the first day of lunar new year. i woke up preparing my infamous fabricated smile putting away the battle knowing we will meet again soon and your deeds will kill you one day.
i hate to hae tis internal struggle. it's mentally exhausting and a total waste of my time.
i felt so stupid after everyting ended.
will it ever go away?
blabber jabber
@
10:42 PM
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Saturday, January 24, 2009
Some meaningful quotes from Abraham Lincoln, the late president of US:
You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.
Whatever you are, be a good one.
The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.
Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.
It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.
If you look for the bad in people expecting to find it, you surely will.
Character is like a tree and reputation like a shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.
Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm.
A friend is one who has the same enemies as you have.
and the one Seet shared with us was
You can fool all the people some of the time,
You can fool some of the people all the time,
You can fool some of the people some of the time,
but you cannot fool all the people all the time.
blabber jabber
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1:12 AM
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Sunday, January 18, 2009
Back to school
Back to tutoring
Back with Alex Cross
Back to gym
wat a way to start 2009!!
i tink many had set some new year resolutions for 2009 and summed up wat they achieved/accomplished/still striving for in 2008. well.. i didnt set anyting for myself last yr.. hmm maybe one. to pass and get on to my final yr in SIM. and for tis yr.. i'm almost resigned to fate. come wat may.
after a short break for xmas and new yr, everyting is now back on track. i hae lesser time to think abt the unthinkable and more time on constructive events in life - my degree.
feeling the need to get serious and start preparing for the FINAL exam. promised myself to start the engine after CNY. Mock exams is predicted to start in mid feb which is just a month away. how to revise like tat!?!?
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mummy touched on sth tat was so sudden last nite.
she talked to me abt marriage. not hers. mine.
one of our neighbours, 23, got married last aug. the couple have been together for more than 7 yrs. mummy told me tat i used to bad-mouthed abt her having a boyfriend at such a young age and tat i always see them together under the void deck or us taking the same lift back. her in her school uniform. ( i dun remember tat i did becoz i was dating ard the same time as she is but watever. )
he is in his thirties now so his family is pushing him to get married as soon as possible. i understand and i believe it's not easy for 2 individuals to be in touch or in a relationship for 7yrs. how many friends did you manage to hold on to tat is over a decade?
then mummy started to tell me tat only boys who are sincere and responsible will bring you home to meet his parents. and me to bring him home if i tink he's serious about me. i started to 'err-s and ermm-s' and told her tat isnt so true now. and especially so when i hae a protective father.
i remember times when my father chased the boys i was with on different occasions. most werent my bfs. if he was lucky to catch one, he will reprimand him right on the spot. some managed to escape unhurt and they will call back to tell me they are okay. but i wasnt going to be. father will question me abt 'the friend' i was with and i will insist tat i was walking back alone. no one was with me. i know he doesnt take my story but in the end he will let it go with a warning. even one of my uncles caught me on the streets. he called me the nx day asking if it was me tat he saw. i was lucky tat he didnt honk at me on the spot. it's so insecure to hae so many relatives as taxi-drivers.
so.. tat was why i have nv been truthful to my parents regarding relationship issues. not even now. i dun like to be hiding all these from them but.. i dont hae a choice.
BUT!
i'm 21 now.. maybe just maybe i should own up if i see the chance to.
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i was explaining to xw the meaning of spinster when she stopped me and declared proudly, "my sisters and i already promise to be spinsters! we dont wan to get married. we want to stay together with mummy daddy and my grandparents."
then she added on, " miss koh, you also wan to spinster? like us?"
i could only give a weak smile and continue teaching.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
blabber jabber
@
11:11 PM
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Sunday, January 04, 2009
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever want to run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No, you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over?
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding
No, you don't know what it's like
No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be ok
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work
It was always there
You don't know what it's like
To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No, you don't know what it's like
WELCOME TO MY LIFE!
Leave the past in the past and look forward to find wat future has in store for you.. when you sit there contemplating wat to do, procrastinating wat you will do, another day flew past, another day wasted. when you're busy coming up with excuses, another day is gone.
Life is wat's happening. You create the life you want.
blabber jabber
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3:13 PM
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