Monday, September 29, 2008

Hello, tell me you know
Yeah, you figured me out
Something gave it away
And it would be such a beautiful moment
To see the look on your face
To know that I know that you know now

And baby that's a case of my wishful thinking
You know nothing
Cause you and I
Why, we go carrying on for hours on end
We get along much better
Than you and your girlfriend

Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me

Well how long, can I go on like this,
Wishing to kiss you,
Before I rightly explode?
This double life I lead isn't healthy for me
In fact it makes me nervous
If I get caught I could be risking it all

Cause maybe there's a lot that I'll miss
In case I'm wrong

If I should be so bold
I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand
Tell you from the start how I've longed to be your woman
But I never said a word
I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again

And all I really want from you is to feel me
It's a feeling inside that keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me

blabber jabber @
12:04 AM

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Sunday, September 28, 2008

my schedule had been screwed up after school reopened. shifting tuition and cancelling some meet ups. lost a lot of my own personal time just to prepare the kids for their final year exams.

take it as a sacrifice. it's my only source of income since i graduated from jc. i need them to pay for my expenses and bills. phone, computer and the Internet. everyting tat i spent on. everyting tat i owned.

some conflicting feelings. some confusion moments. but i tink i m pretty clear now abt how i feel. tat nite when we were walking out together, i knew how everyting will go.

i tink wat i was missing wasnt you. it was our moments together. i tink wat i loved wasnt you. it felt tat way becoz of the circumstances. i need to keep my head above the water. i cant mixed up my feelings like tat again. hang in there, girl.

------

i waited for the last min before i picked up my phone and texted her. a part of me wanted to be there but i wasnt sure if i will end up in an awkward situation. i stil went in the end.

we were late but the real show only started near the finishing of the 3rd quarter. the 'thrilling' match on 'skills and mental strength' broke into an awful fight. it wasnt the normal shoving and pushing ard. verbal threats were heard over the commotion. helmets, chairs and even the bball starred the event. i quickly pulled a pregnant lady out to a safe corner before goin back to bring the other girls out. i was smart enuff to not try and step in to 'help'. i knew i wouldnt be let off unharmed. many others were rooted to the ground. i saw a girl being brought out by her fren, i supposed, and she was sobbing in fear.

everyting happened too quickly. the benches were overturned and someone was cornered under the scoreboard. i couldnt see who the person was but i know there was a mob of ppl standing over him, blowing punches and kicks. he was the unlucky one.

one ball was 'thundered' over the mob of ppl and was hurled to the area behind. it went straight on ray's gf and bounced off her forehead. *ouch* her back was facing me but i can see her trembling. i quickly went over and brought her to where the rest were. i had cleanly forgotten abt her. shit. she didnt say anyting, i reckon she was too shocked. poor ting.

if i m the one who got hurt, wat will i do? wat can i do? wat will he do?

many questions tossing in my head and i was totally out of the whole situation. i felt someone hugging me and brought me back. jmry and yj was hurt, pretty badly. tat fucking fat asshole slammed the helmet onto his head. yj got some scratches on his back. police were called in and they even brought a stretcher. jmry had his head bandaged and refused to come back in. he said he looked so ugly now. hahahz.. in fact, he looks cute with his head all wrapped up. xiaokeai.

he said someting tat touched me. 'if i wasnt the one, anyone of you here will get it.' i almost fell in love.
but he's attached.

everyone was upset tat this had to happen. i was mad at one particular person. if he had controlled himself, nth like tis will happen. his quick-temper endangered everyone present. now everyting lies in the hands of the committee. the verdict will be out tmr. i just hope it would be in our favour. we are the innocent party.

lengleng needs to learn his lesson. and if both parties were disqualified, i will definitely not forgive him. at least for 6 months.

anyway, if anyone is concerned abt me.. hahahz.. i m perfectly fine. i had faced worse situations than tat. in fact, i was there 'jokin' ard to relax the whole situation. the girls were all tensed up and worried tat their bfs might get hurt. if my bf got dragged in, maybe, just maybe i might be foolish enuff to 'help'.

How great love can be.

How much love can change a person.

blabber jabber @
10:27 PM

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Monday, September 22, 2008

everyting was going smoothly tat nite. nth unusual will happen. tat's wat i thought but i was terribly wrong.

the feeling was piercing. it went right thru my chest into my heart and out from my back. i was confused and distracted. i dun understand wat i was feeling. dunnoe why tat was happening. it's too sudden.

i needed someone to tok to, not just a listener. i needed someone to analyse me. to tell me wat the hell was wrong. i dun need consolation. i dun need pity. i just want someone to understand me. to help understand myself.

i was fortunate to hae you. even though we dun behave like the usual 'bestfren', we dun meet up often, only once or twice a yr, we dun call each other often , but if we do every phone call will take up 2 3 hours, nonetheless we are very aware of one another's life. i dunoe how we manage tat , we just do.

you're a good listener and not just tat, you're able to read my mind. you 'predict' my future and expose my undesirable thoughts. not many 'dare' to oppose me becoz of my quick temper but you are able to do it and often leave me speechless. 'coz wat you normally say is true. so true. sometimes i dun even know tat i was acting tat way.

am i living in denial? did he trigger off someting in me? everyting tat i thought i had let go 2 yrs ago? you keep telling me tat it wasnt totally over, tat i only let it sink back to a corner of my mind. is it still in me? really? tat i nv learn? repeating the same mistake over and over again? am i too softhearted?

you kept reiterating tat i should cut off all contacts with him but there's sth pulling me back. maybe i hadnt put down anyting.

maybe you are stil in me..

I dun love you like i love you yesterday...

blabber jabber @
5:23 PM

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Sunday, September 21, 2008

Am i jus some chick you place beside you
To take somebody's place?
When you turn around can you recognize my face?
You used to love me,
You used to hug me,
but that wasn't the case
Everything wasn't okay.

Are you aware of what you make me feel, Baby?
Right now i feel invisible to you like i'm not real,
didn't you feel me lock my arms around you?
Why'd you turn away?
Here's what i have to say:

I was left to cry there

Waiting outside there

Grinnin' with a lost stare

That's when i decided

Why should i care?

'Cuz you weren't there when I was scared

I was so alone

You, you need to listen!

I'm starting to trip

I'm losing my grip

And i'm in this thing alone

blabber jabber @
12:35 AM

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Thursday, September 18, 2008

starting school tmr.
i'm neither excited nor worried.

hahahz.. frankly, i m both.
hope to see you in school. =)

blabber jabber @
12:54 AM

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Saturday, September 13, 2008

i tot we could live our own lives, separately. you in your own home and me in mine. nth would happen between us. there couldnt be any problem if we stop seeing each other. there would be no insults, no remarks, no interaction, no nothing. i thought everyting will just go away.

i was too naive.

but i was wrong. the past kept haunting me. i stil remembered tat phone call i made. i still remember the words you said. fuck, wat wrong did i do. from the moment i put down the receiver, i knew. i knew i would detest you for all my life.

i have enuff of you.

walking away isnt the best solution becoz you would just go on and on. you dun care abt anyone. wat the fuck is all the so-called meetings for. there's nth to discuss. we had no rights to say aniting so why do i hae to be there. you are only using the opportunity to inform us, it wasnt anything close to a meeting. might as well called it an assembly. a gathering to spread news. gathering might be an overstatement, there wasnt any fun in catching up with you.

i dun hope for anything now.

i can alr see our future. when THE ONE falls, we will be living like individuals. the wound you inflicted on me will not go away. the hurt you gave will not lessen. it will only get worse as time pasts. i only have more hatred for you. no sympathy. no love.

only god knows why.

i dun hope tat you would receive any due retribution coz it might be my own karma. fate decided we should meet. but it didnt sae our relation should last and you are definitely not someone worthy to keep by me.

you hae no part in my life so get lost.

being mum abt it doesnt mean tat i m on the same line as you. i just doesnt wan to hae anyting to do with you anymore. the forced smile is only to brush you off. you can sae anyting you wan. i m respecting you, your point of view. watever fucking point you wanna carry forward is totally bullshit. self-centred fucker.

i m not done with you, yet.

blabber jabber @
5:51 PM

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Thursday, September 11, 2008

We live and we learn to take

One step at a time

There's no need to rush

It's like learning to fly

Or falling in love

It's gonna happen and

It's supposed to happen that we

Find the reasons why

One step at a time

blabber jabber @
12:35 AM

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Sunday, September 07, 2008

If it's a broken part, replace it

But, if it's a broken heart then brace it

If it's a broken heart then face it

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
And everything, everything will be fine

Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold

blabber jabber @
1:29 AM

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Saturday, September 06, 2008

Pitter Patter.

a short drizzle to cool the humid nite. nice.

nx week will be a stressful week. not just for her, him and them. i will be affected too.

i'm getting a little worried now but everyting's too late. wat will come, will come. let's just wait and see.......................

Play the game of CHANCE.

blabber jabber @
4:11 AM

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Friday, September 05, 2008

You know I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm finding it hard to do anything

you see I feel sad when you're sad
I feel glad when you're glad
if you only knew what I'm going through
I just can't smile without you

you came along just like a song
and brighten my day
who would have believed that you were part of a dream
now it all seems light years away

and now you know I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm finding it hard to do anything

you see I feel sad when you're sad
I feel glad when you're glad
if you only knew what I'm going through
I just can't smile

now some people say happiness takes so very long to find
well, I'm finding it hard leaving your love behind me

and you see I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm finding it hard to do anything

you see I feel glad when you're glad
I feel sad when you're sad
if you only knew what I'm going through
I just can't smile without you

spreading the love from Barry Manilow.

i smiled becoz of you. =)

blabber jabber @
1:32 AM

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Tuesday, September 02, 2008

am booKless for a couple of weeks and wonder how did i get myself so busy tat i dun even hae time to go to my personal lib. the nightly routine of novel craze stil eats into me. feeling a little lost when i got into bed and had nth in hand. nth to coax me to slp, no more bedtime story.

so i have early nitez rests and often woke up at 6 7 am feeling zany. i will stay awake and listen as my kitchen comes to life. the sound of mummy making coffee. the loud gargling from my father. flushing of the toilet. slippers flip-flopping outside my door. funny. and i cant get back to slp. =(

not becoz of the sound coming from them. i know i m able to fall back to slp even with the noises but recently, i just cant. maybe i m too used to 5hours power nap. and 6 7 hours is too much a luxury for me.

i miss sleeping.

BUT. beer helps. i now believe the ppl who say tat German beers' the best. wat's tiger, hoegarden or asahi after you have tasted German beers. and abt tis, i will write on it another day. hahahz..

------

3 months had passed. i hae been bumming ard for almost 3 months, without noticing. when it was nearing the end of aug, everyone started speculating when the results are coming out. i was a little tensed whenever we tok abt tat and i expected our sch portal to gif us an early notice, well at least 1 day beforehand.

*

got a missed call from denise and a msg from jing after i'd finished my tuition. i didnt open the msg but the preview of it showed sth i didnt expect.

"HEY!! results are out!"

concise and to the point. i dun need to think much and returned the call.

i was on the train to tamp to meet jia. asked jing to help to check for my results. i tink i got a little excited and my voice got louder and louder.

"好了没有?"
"还在load leiz..."
"为什么这么慢!!!"

"EHH!! 好了好了!"
"你慢慢告诉我..."

"WAO!!"
"HHHUUHH! 什么?"

got the disgusted look from some of the other passengers in the same cabin. hahahz..
well, I CLEARED ALL!! the whole suspense was driving me crazy.

*

so the nx day, we went for a mini celebration. some shopping, drinking and feasting. the Japanese food bazaar was okie. i dun fancy jap food much so i would tink tat some dishes are a little overvalued. to each his own.

------

if wat you meant is true gratitude, i will accept it with both hands, arms and elbows.
but,
if it's pure mockery, i would be too lowly to accept your praises. pls take them all back and keep them safely in your pockets.

------

life is full of uncertainties but one ting's for sure, everyone will die one day. some sooner, some later. either by unknown or known causes.

if you're really free and needed sth to occupy your mind, read on.
and dun regret reading it.

let's imagine this:

you are in the middle of a desert with only a big bowl of water and nth else. a spherical container which is able, miraculously, to supply an infinite amt of water. BUT it is heavy. if you were, at any instance, place the bowl on the sand to rest your tired arms, you will lose tis source of water, forever.

so will you carry tis 'blessed burden' and walk thru the desert hoping you will, one day, find a way out or get save by whoever? wat if you were saved at a age of 80?

or

just lie there and wait to die? knowing tat you will die one day even if you found a way out.

*

life's like tat. ironic but engaging. there are so many perspectives to a single object. you can choose to believe it tis way and agree with the opposing view. everyting can be made to sound logical but it will only be correct when you believe it.

earning lots of money seems logical. but at the expense of my family/love/happiness? only unsound ppl do tat.

so go back to the desert problem. you are stuck inside tis stupid situation, you hae no other helpline but the bowl of water. wat will you do? wat can you do?

or maybe you hae an even better solution other than the choices i posed. "sorry, i dun answer hypothetical question." is out.

any regrets? hahahahz..

TATA~

It's not over until it's over.

blabber jabber @
11:30 PM

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Nobody knows
Nobody knows but me
That I sometimes cry
If I could pretend that I'm asleep
When my tears start to fall
I peek out from behind these walls
I think nobody knows
Nobody knows. No

Nobody likes
Nobody likes to lose their inner voice
The one I used to hear before my life
Made a choice
But I think nobody knows
Nobody knows. No

Baby
Oh the secret's safe with me
There's nowhere else in the world that I could ever be
And baby don't it feel like I'm all alone
Who's gonna be there after the last angel has flown
And I've lost my way back home
I think nobody knows, no
I said nobody knows
Nobody cares

It's win or lose not how you play the game
And the road to darkness has a way
Of always knowing my name
But I think nobody knows
Nobody knows

Tomorrow I'll be there my friend
I'll wake up and start all over again
When everybody else is gone

Nobody knows
Nobody knows the rhythm of my heart
The way I do when I'm lying in the dark
And the world is asleep
I think nobody knows
Nobody knows
Nobody knows but me

Me

blabber jabber @
12:23 AM

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Monday, September 01, 2008

happy birthday to all teachers!!!

time past fast. it's been over 3yrs. before, I've never ever tink tat i would be a tutor/teacher. i joined the student care centre becoz i couldnt find a job tat time and really needed the money. i nv like kids. being ard 40over children for 12 hours a day is a great torture for me. there's no use shouting and screaming to get their attention. i nearly lost my voice on my 3rd day. but slowly, i got used to it and liked it. i enjoy having the authority. the power in my hands. my magical wand. i treated them as young adults. stating the ground rules and the basic things i expect from them : manners and respect. any disobedience and noncompliance will result in painful sequels.

you might think tat i am cold hearted and cruel but actually, i only waved my wand once on a boy who wasnt even in my class. he wasnt just suay tat i was in a bad mood but it was becoz of his disrespect for his teacher, T. jia. i could hear her repeatedly shouting at him to go shower. he must have ignored her. i remembered how i stormed into their room with my wand in my hand. whacked hard at the back of his head and pointed it at his neck. i asked him sth very simple. "do you wan to listen to your teacher?"

i think at tat moment of time, i treated my wand as a knife. almost wanting to slash it and let him bleed to death.

when i returned to my room, the class asked if i was angry, 'coz i told them tat the wand will only appear when i m angry. and i was really angry with his rudeness, his arrogance. teachers are no pushover even if his teacher is kind to them. his attitude was overboard. and everyting boiled down to the teacher, she was too 'carefree'. my class wasnt perfect either. one monster is enuff to create hell. but i'm a reasonable person. you have time to study and also time to play. you can go crazy and enjoy yourselves ONCE you have finished your work. meaning the sch work and MY work.

children should be praised ONLY when they deserve them. i will reward them once in awhile WHEN they behaved themselves. they didnt create much problems and i had a pretty 'interesting' experience working with them. so, i wasnt a very bad teacher after all, hur? hahaz..

tis was a good head start. i switched to tutoring becoz of my studies and my way of work is stil the same, "do you want to listen to your teacher?"

blabber jabber @
7:24 PM

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