Thursday, July 31, 2008

There he was! No shirt again. Rippling muscles everywhere, but especially ard his stomach and thighs. He was wearing another mask. An angry-looking one. Crimson and bone-white swatches against a shiny black backgrd. Was he angry today? Were the masks like mood rings for him?

"Not one of your better ideas, Katie. It's been tried by someone slimmer then you are," he said in a singsongy voice. "I wont go down there to help you back up. Very shitty way to die. Think it through."

Kate struggled to her feet and began to retch. She did her best to do it convincingly. "I'm sick. I thought i was going to throw up," she said to Casanova.

"I definitely believe you do feel sick," he said. "That will pass. But it isn't the real reason you were kneeling over the toilet. Tell the truth, and shame the devils."

"What do you wan from me?" Kate asked.

"I wan to be in love. I wan to make love to you again. I wan you to get beautiful for me. Maybe one of those lovely dresses from Neiman Marcus. Nylons and high heels."

With one hand, he suddenly yanked her to her feet. He pulled her arm so hard - as if he were trying to tear it from its socket. Kate yelled as a violent pain shot up her arm. It exploded in the soft space, the hollow behind her eyes.

In a fury, in panic, she reached out and pulled down on the mask.

"Stupid! Stupid!" he yelled into her face. "And you're not a stupid woman."

Kate saw the stun gun in his hand and realized she had made a terrible mistake. He leveled it to her chest and shot her.

*

Casanova was very kinky; he was into play-acting and fantasy psychodramas. He loved to tok to her abt pornographic acts: sex with prepubescent gers and animals; nightmarish sadism; masochism; gynecocracy; enema torture. He toked abt everyting so casually. At times he would even be poetic, in a sick way. He quoted from Jean Genet, John Rechy, Durrel, de Sade. He was well read, probably well educated.

" You're smart enuff to understand me when i tok," he had told Naomi on one of his visits. "that's why i picked you, sweet darling."

------

Casanova was a collector. he collects beautiful, intelligent ladies. extraordinary ladies.

tis is only a small part of the whole plot. there's more abt tis impressive fucker. totally blown off on tis read. i'm hooked to patterson. his is the best thriller i can get.

-Kiss the girls-

blabber jabber @
11:29 PM

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Monday, July 28, 2008

to brighten up tis place, i've decided to upload some photos. hahahz.. not all are abt me, actually most of them are on places and other ppl. =)

* oohhh ZUN.. even Elle cant resist his charm. ooohhh... *

*LIFE*

* i cant recall wat we were actually doing. but nth R(A) mind you. *

* the path i used to take *

*non-LIFE*

* everyting was perfect until the car appeared *

* Lj and me *

* Back To School *

* our weekly haunt *

* Sunset. i dun get to see sunrise often. *

* Bedok View *

* caught up with my swiftest fren *

okie, got to run.
say byebye to baby =)

blabber jabber @
11:27 PM

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i used to care so much about what others think about
i almost didnt have a thought of my own
the slightest remark would make me embark on the journey of self - doubt
but that was a while ago
this girl has got stronger
and if i knew then what i know now i would've told myself to worry any longer
it's ok...

'coz a face without freckles is like the sky without the stars.
Why waste a second, not loving who you are?
Those little imperfections make you beautiful, lovable, valuable -
They show your personality - inside your heart,
Reflecting who you are...

i wonder if i could trade my body with somebody else in magazine
with the whole world full of my fears
I felt unworthy and would blame my failures on the ugliness I could see,
when the mirror looked at me(sometimes I feel)
sometimes I still feel like that little girl who doesn't belong in her own world ....
oh, but it will get better
I reminded myself that –

A face without freckles is like the sky without the stars.
Why waste a second, not loving who you are?
Those little imperfections make you beautiful, lovable, valuable -
They show your personality - inside your heart,
Reflecting who you are...

blabber jabber @
1:05 AM

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Sunday, July 27, 2008

it's always difficult to break bad news, esp one that concerns about you, your life, your heart, your hope. when i received the text, i stopped in my track and grasped on to jia. the first word tat came out of my mouth was 'ohmygod'. i didnt know wat i should do or how i should acknowledge the msg. i returned with a 'are you alrite?'

called cherie to find out wat had happened, finished up my stuff and went down to the place. it was past midnight and many had left. i'm bad at consoling and we would only hold on and cry. it's hard to recount and repeat everyting tat happened in details. but i can see the pain in the eyes. the loss. the reluctance. the slash.

the end of the sufferings. the beginning of the future.
jiayou! everyone will be behind you!

------

hadnt had a proper slp last week. too many tings, too little time. dunnoe where to start but i realized i need to start everyting anew. like a newborn baby. i need to relearn all the basics.

how to see life. how to live. how to live life.

you dun need to hae everyting perfected. wat you need is to accept all the imperfections and make it perfect for yourself. make yourself happy. you live for yourself. you do wat makes you happy, wat makes the ppl you love happy and tat's wat makes life happy.

------

tis week is the exact opposite. i had a good rest. a good break. a good time to be alone and reflect. maybe i didnt really know how others see me as. maybe i had been deceiving myself all this while. maybe i read too much. maybe there isnt aniting wrong with me. maybe it's all their fault. the world's fault. money's fault. it's not my fault. there isnt aniting wrong with me.

hhaa.

------

i will always remember wat Terrence said.
i dun need any best friends.

all i need is 1 true friend.

blabber jabber @
7:25 PM

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Tuesday, July 22, 2008

needed some time to organize my stuff, my life. everyting happened too fast, too sudden. i need some time, some time to tink through, some time to rest, some time to let it go.

some time alone.

blabber jabber @
12:24 AM

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Wednesday, July 16, 2008

When I'm sixty four by the Beatles.

When i get older losing my hair,
Many years from now.
Will you still be sending me a valentine
Birthday greetings, bottle of wine.
If i'd been out till quarter to three
Would you lock the door,
Will you still need me, will you still feed me,
When i'm sixty-four.

You'll be older too,
And if you say the word,
I could stay with you.
I could be handy, mending a fuse
When your lights have gone.
You can knit a sweater by the fireside
Sunday mornings go for a ride,
Doing the garden, digging the weeds,
Who could ask for more.

Will you still need me, will you still feed me,
When i'm sixty-four.

Every summer we can rent a cottage,
In the isle of wight, if it's not too dear
We shall scrimp and save
Grandchildren on your knee
Vera, Chuck & Dave

Send me a postcard, drop me a line,
Stating point of view
Indicate precisely what you mean to say
Yours sincerely, wasting away
Give me your answer, fill in a form
Mine forevermore

Will you still need me, will you still feed me,
When i'm sixty-four.

it's always so sweet to see old couples walking hand in hand on the streets. many times i would wonder if i will be able to enjoy tat kind of happiness too. like them, hand in hand, heart to heart, to finish the rest of the journey....... together.

blabber jabber @
1:29 AM

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Tuesday, July 15, 2008

attended shan's bdae 2 weeks back. we had bbq at ecp. it's been a long long time since i last bbq-ed, althou i didnt do any bbq-ing tat day. met mei earlier to get the present, a little bo xim i know, walked ard for awhile before heading down to ecp. we alighted at the wrong side of ecp and walked alllll the way to the other end. along the way, we saw many doggies. mei's afraid of dogs. i am too but i love dogs. i love them but im scared of them. see no touch. ahh, watever.

as we were strolling, some thoughts and feelings gushed in. the same place, same month but different feelings, different ppl, different me, different yr. thank you for the company last yr. thank you for toking me thru. you might not know but you actually paved a way out for me. to continue walking, even now.

------

my bad slping patterns become a difficult to cure habit. i like, i got to like it if not i will be bored to death in the nite, the nite. the peace, the coolness, the freedom. i like the wind gently blowing against me. i like the starry nite, althou it's starless most of the time. i like staring out above, the never ending path to space. sometimes i would wonder wat lives outside. outside of motherearth. the outerspace. wat lies above?

no cars. no crowd. no noise. no babies cry. no shoving ard. no jams.
no worries.

i like the nite.

The problem with slping too long is

you thought the dreams were real.

blabber jabber @
4:36 PM

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Saturday, July 12, 2008

the date rings a bell but i cant recall what actually happened on tis day..
oh, happy anniversary.

blabber jabber @
1:56 PM

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Thursday, July 10, 2008

a very packed week with meet ups, supper, shopping and just bumming ard. mommy wasnt pleased. tuition in the day, home after dinner and i'm out again after a quick shower. there was no 'family time' at all. the door has to be kept unlock for me to come back. 4-5 hours of rest and i'm off for tuition again.

anyhow, it's my break now and i can do wat i want! joce came back a couple of weeks back. and she hasnt changed much, maybe a little slimmer. hahahaz.. last wed was des' bday. watched Wanted and i like tat show very much. the gun scenes, angl jolies, the chasing, angl jolies, the trainings, angl jolies are damn cool! and the twist. EVERYONE should watch it. you dun see me praising so much for an action movie. bought a shirt (yeah! another one!) with nise. and we are so goin to wear it together the next time. auntie ann shared with me her thoughts abt finding a bf when they were not ard. she finds Chinese edu guys more... suitable to be a bf. Eng edu ones are too arrogant and proud. she likes more traditional guys. but standing at 1.83m, how to find a traditional Chinese edu Asian? nise, how?!?!

finally get to meet jia on fri. we went cycling/blading. after the 'exercise', we had dinner at fish&co, putting back all the grams tat we tried to lose. we gaigai a little while to drag time. planned to meet nick but he didnt reply. and when he did, i was alr home. went for a drink at jln kayu. and then we,... okie, the main ting i wanted to say abt tat day was nick's fren's doggie! he has a very pretty golden retriever. hahahz.. and i regretted having not played with her. although they kept assuring me tat she doesnt bite, i was still a little scare. i'm not used to them licking. the way i touched her was like 'touching a lion'. but anyhow, i am veryveryvery happy to hae been so close to my dream dog. oohhhh. the feeling is sooooo great!

after a very hectic week, ima getting all the rest i need over the past 3 days. i almost hae the thought tat 'i miss home, actually.'. yes, i do miss home actually. i miss the peace and rest. i miss the time i can hae, alone. and ima beginning to like being alone. and i like being at home. chasing away boredom and reading is a good way to keep me occupied.

it's nice to stay in bed, esp on rainy days. all cozy and snugged. and it would be perfect if there's a cup of warm chocolate. aahh.. so comfy.

------

a small project is coming up. and it's a hush hush secret.

------

i was very angry with myself. how could i've forgotten sth so important. sth i've been waiting for the whole week. missing it is just making the gap even wider. how can i forget. dammit
it kept me awake the whole nite.

To everything there is a season.

blabber jabber @
12:52 AM

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Tuesday, July 08, 2008

put yourself in this situation.
you just came online, never thought that sth bizarre would happen... the first question, without any greetings or whatsoever, is popped in front of you.

Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, Maths/Science/Geography. I will infuse Neuro Linguistic in them. says:
do you accept humiliation?

ying says:
it's not under my control

Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, Maths/Science/Geography. I will infuse Neuro Linguistic in them. says:
??

Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, Maths/Science/Geography. I will infuse Neuro Linguistic in them. says:
why

ying says:
what is humiliation?

Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, Maths/Science/Geography. I will infuse Neuro Linguistic in them. says:
耻辱
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, Maths/Science/Geography. I will infuse Neuro Linguistic in them. says:
羞辱

ying says:
action caused by others
ying says:
to disgrace you
ying says:
so it's sth not under my control

thinking that it was just a 'normal', it's considered normal wait til you see the rest, question, he came up with many and many AND many scenarios..

Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
they humiliate you
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
and then you have to accept or deny it
ying says:
no
ying says:
you dun hae to
ying says:
juz like rumours and all
ying says:
you can ignore them
ying says:
you dun hae to go down to their level to fight for your rights
ying says:
you're only humiliating yourself

Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
lets say someone ask you to crawl under his legs
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
or he will kill you
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
that scenario you have to accept it?
ying says:
i wun let myself be in tat kind of situation
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
..
ying says:
hahah

i thought i was clever to avoid answering that but that lead to even more problems..

Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
but you wont be godly enough to choose
ying says:
there're choices
ying says:
but not all the time
ying says:
if you did watever you can
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
there are times you must accept defeat too
ying says:
then it's up to god to decide the rest

i started to hit back, hard.

Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
defeat is the factor to success
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
example: your competitor got the contract instea
ying says:
yup
ying says:
that's not defeat
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
.......
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
and that is?
ying says:
defeat is to give up and not try
ying says:
you lose to yourself
ying says:
not in the sense of competitions or contracts
ying says:
not being defeated by others but yourself
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
then not the word defeat
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
in terms of defeat, the scenario i proposed is suitable
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
the competitor defeated you
ying says:
we are not in the same context
ying says:
haha

realizing i have totally no interest more to continue the conversation,

ying says:
wat's the use for tis?
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
just wondering
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
how can you not accept defeat in life
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
you should use another word
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
its quite misleading in your context
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
haha
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
and i think its inproper
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
its just like saying
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
i dont admit defeat

he relighted my flame!

ying says:
admit and accept is different
ying says:
for if i m handicap in some ways
ying says:
in mind or physically
ying says:
i hae to accept it
ying says:
but i wun let it defeat me
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
ok you can just say you are not a person of self-defeating behavioours
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
that clears things up
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
if you aer using defeat as a noun
ying says:
self defeating??
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
then it is totally wrong
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
just look like sore loser
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
n.
The act of defeating or state of being defeated.
Failure to win.
A coming to naught; frustration: the defeat of a lifelong dream.
Law The act of making null and void.

see. so fucking bo liao to even search dictionarydotcom.

ying says:
hahaz.. you even search for tat
ying says:
omg
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
yeah
ying says:
okie so
ying says:
i will need to indicate tat i m using it as a verb
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
...
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
haha
ying says:
to describe my behaviour
ying says:
blahblahblah
ying says:
it will never end la

and the preaching never stop.........

Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
i du accept defeat and defeat becomes noun
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
lol
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
no way u can have verb verb
ying says:
noun verb agreement huh
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
^6

ying says:
wat a bore
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
lol
Offering free tuition for Lower Secondary and Primary students, says:
its interesting

it's total bullshit. i'm so sorry if you really did read thru everything and get no meaning out of it. and everything started becoz of my sub nick - i can accept circumstances but i dun accept defeat. the whole conversation was pointless and totally piss me off. so ppl, dun ever try to act smart and start correcting watever your eyes see. sometimes it's best to just let it be. why so inflexible?

wat the fuck was wrong with him?!?!

and he even hae the cheek to say it's interesting when it actually ruined my afternoon. why would i bother to chat with someone who isnt in my contact list in the first place?

wat the fuck was wrong with me?!?!?

blabber jabber @
3:11 PM

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Sunday, July 06, 2008

Maybe I don’t say all the right things
Maybe I stumble on my words
Maybe I laugh at all the wrong times
Maybe I mumble and i curse

the best I can do is to be myself
and I hope its enough to make you proud

When you're in the room, my head is clear
you make the world just disappear
so open up your eyes and see

I cant explain just why I’m acting this way
I cant control it so I go with it
I’m just a girl, I wont be changing the world
and boy you know that I’m not perfect
but I’m perfect for you

blabber jabber @
10:39 PM

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Tuesday, July 01, 2008

If the heart is always searching,
Can you ever find a home?
I've been looking for that someone;
I'll never make it on my own.
Dreams can't take the place of loving you;
there’s gotta be a million reasons why it's true.

When you look me in the eyes,
And tell me that you love me.
Everything's alright,
When you're right here by my side.
When you look me in the eyes,
I catch a glimpse of heaven.
I find my paradise,
When you look me in the eyes.

How long will I be waiting,
To be with you again?
Gonna tell you that I love you,
In the best way that I can.
I can't take a day without you here,
You're the light that makes my darkness disappear.

More and more,
I start to realize,
I can reach my tomorrow,
I can hold my head high,
And it's all because you're by my side.

When you look me in the eyes,
And tell me that you love me.
Everything's alright,
When you're right here by my side.
And when I hold you in my arms,
I know that it's forever
I just gotta let you know,
I never wanna let you go, cause

When you look me in the eyes.
And tell me that you love me.
Everything's alright,
When you're right here by my side.
When you look me in the eyes,
I catch a glimpse of heaven.

I find my paradise,
When you look me in the eyes.

blabber jabber @
10:15 PM

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