Saturday, October 13, 2007

i've forgotten when was the last time i'd said "thank you", "i love you" or juz a simple hug to you. i've forgotten if i had ever celebrated your birthday. i remembered makin some cards but i had clean forgotten the dates, your age. how filial. tis is wat you get for bringing mi up, doting and givin mi watever reasonable requests. this is your onli daughter.

i'd forgotten if our relations were ever good. i dunnoe the reason of mi being so cold towards you. we seldom share our times together. we dun get to tok to each other abt our daily lives. doubt the words we exchanged is half of wat i m typin here. ridiculous?

sometimes i felt bad when i shouted back at you. i noe i'm in the wrong but i nv admit. i lied to you almost everytime abt everything. my personal life doesnt seem to hae included you. i dunnoe why.

sometimes, there's an urge to hug you and thank you for everything tat you've done but my pride stopped mi. no matter how badli i've treated you, you'll take time off to look after mi, when i'm ill or injured. some would tink tat parents ought to do tis but i'm stil touched for the things you'd done.

all the rantings/nagging are for my own good. your worries are not uncalled for. i noe how dangerous it is to hangout late. you did not lock mi out like wat you threatened to. and i nv care abt how you felt until i woke up the nx mornin. the awful feeling of regret started to creep into mi.. "i'm sorry" was nv spoken. and i'm out the following nite.

you washed your hands off mi. you said you'd given up on mi. you said i m juz like my father. you juz let mi go. i noe how terrible you feel but i did nth to change. your colleagues were the onli ones who stood by you. i nv try to understand the plight you're in. you pour out your heart to them and they told mi how much you teared becoz of mi.

i started to reflect. imagine if i have a daughter like mi, how will i feel, wat can i do.

how can i bring tis gap closer? how can i build a bridge between us? how will i start? wat can i do?

suddenly it strikes mi. it's my pride getting in the way. i'm an emotional person. i can be touched by a simple gesture. i cry easily but i nv let her noes. i nv told her how grateful i m. i had nv shown my appreciation.

i wanted her to hae a better life. i wanted her to be happie. but the biggest problem she hae in her life is mi. i brought her worries, abt my studies, my sch fees, my activities, my everyting. sometimes i bang my head hard on the wall and told myself how useless i m, how much pain i had brought to my family. i felt like ending my life. but who will take care of them if i was to go?

i worked hard during the summer break so as to lighten the financial load. i wanted to bring them out for a feast but i nv carry out anything. wanted to buy them sth but i nv save enuff for tat. i m so hopeless... pointless to be here...

i want to be better. it's all up to mi. procrastinate is futile, i need to act. i muz and i promise i will. and lastly, i love you, mother, i love you, father. =)

Love is sth you can nv fully understand.

Maybe it's better if we stayed as frenz. then, maybe i wouldnt be as hurt....

blabber jabber @
3:06 AM

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